{"id":3345,"date":"2020-02-10T13:22:12","date_gmt":"2020-02-10T11:22:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/?p=3345"},"modified":"2020-02-10T18:10:52","modified_gmt":"2020-02-10T16:10:52","slug":"britain-to-rid-english-alphabet-of-letters-e-and-u","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/?p=3345","title":{"rendered":"Great Britain to rid English alphabet of letters E and U"},"content":{"rendered":"

To commemorate her departure from the European Union, Britain has proposed to reduce the size of her alphabet from 26 to 24 characters. The letters E and U will be unceremoniously sent back to ancient Greece where they came from.<\/p>\n

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Image: Tumisu<\/a> \/ Pixabay<\/a>. Photoshopped by Uutissirkus.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Gina Ribena<\/strong>, spokesperson at the Ministry for Exiting the European Union, announced: \u201cThis is our way of saying goodbye to the narrow and self-serving alphabet of the EU, and embracing global alphabet partners.\u201d<\/p>\n

The fact that E and U are \u2013 respectively \u2013 the first and the eleventh most common letters in the English language has caused consternation among serious and casual syllable fans alike. Brian Netherham<\/strong>, plumber and occasional word-user, said: <\/p>\n

\u201cI never really thought about it before, but letters are a big part of my life. I need them for loads of things: expressing surprise or annoyance, singing on match days and screaming in ecstasy with a mid-priced Thai masseuse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlthough for all those I could probably just use variants of O. You know what, maybe U is useless after all?\u201d<\/p>\n

Professor of English Language at Oxford University Angela Squittles<\/strong> was less sanguine: \u201cThis, like virtually all of Brexit, is just a gross act of self-harm. It\u2019s cutting off our tongue to spite our throat.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust because the Prime Minister speaks largely through the medium of incoherent mumbling, it doesn\u2019t mean the rest of us should have to.\u201d<\/p>\n

The government has set of goal of 2021 to purge official communications of the banned vowels. The EU-free alphabet will be made mandatory in schools by 2023, and anyone caught using the letters after 2025 will be branded a word witch and forced to wear a scold\u2019s bridle.<\/p>\n

Boris Johnson<\/strong> gave a brief speech today in support of the proposal: \u201cfmmooofffpah\u2026bubububu\u2026Blitz spirit\u2026popapopa\u2026Winston Churchill\u2026foddyfoddyfoddy\u2026carpe diem,\u201d which was then translated by the official Downing Street interpreter as:<\/p>\n

\u201cThis government represents the silent majority, those who can\u2019t or won\u2019t speak because their mouths are full of these tiresome migrant vowels.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe should open up our alphabet for twenty-first century global communication, for example by replacing E and U with emojis. So \u201cEU\u201d together could be represented by the poo icon, which could be replicated in spoken language by sticking your tongue through your lips and blowing a raspberry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gaining international approval for the new alphabet is unlikely to be easy. As part of trade deal negotiations, America is demanding that Britain give up certain words with dual-meanings, like \u201cpants\u201d, \u201ctrunks\u201d and \u201cfannies\u201d. Top of the list is \u201ctrump\u201d, which means abrupt bum explosion in British English, but presidential bum explosion in American English.<\/p>\n

However, for some forward-thinking xenophobes, shedding English of foreign vowels is only the start. Jim Tugwell<\/strong>, amateur public rager, roared: <\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve spent thousands of years in thrall to some foreign squiggles and lines. I want my Britain to finally be free, to go back to the proper language of grunts, snorts and guttural wails that made this land so great. HHHHHHYYYYYGGGGGGGGAAAAAHHHHH!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, um, that doesn\u2019t actually mean anything, I just bit my tongue in excitement.\u201d<\/p>\n

The story:<\/strong> Richard Richardson, provincial correspondent, Downing Street<\/p>\n

We have published this article in Finnish<\/a> too.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

To commemorate her departure from the European Union, Britain has proposed to reduce the size of her alphabet from 26 to 24 characters. The letters E and U will be unceremoniously sent back to ancient Greece where they came from.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":3347,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[48],"tags":[364,363,243],"class_list":["post-3345","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inenglish","tag-brexit","tag-eu","tag-in-english","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3345","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/17"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3345"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3345\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3347"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3345"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3345"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheatingu.com\/uutissirkus\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3345"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}